Today's blog is directed at what happens to you when you leave one country for an extended period of time and then return and attempt to get a driver's license. A little background: The DMV sucks. It is a swarming mad-house of boredom, frustration, and loathing. All I needed was a NV driver's license so that I could do basic stuff, like open a bank account, buy a car, get insurance...
I waited my obligatory 2 hours (yes, I did say two hours) and when at last my name was called (I imagine something similar to hearing your name called on the day of judgement....) I was informed that after waiting 2 hours, I would need to take a written test and a driving test before I could apply for my license. Mother of all that is unholy!!!! Did my ears deceive me? I looked at the woman with what must have been a look of complete shock because she smiled and leaned closer and said more slowly, "you...have...been...out...of...the...country...for...longer...than...four...years...AND...we...don't...accept...Canadian...driver's...licenses...you...will...have...to...go...line...up...over...there...and...take...your...written...test...if...you...pass...you...can...schedule...a...driving...test"
What am I? 16? Have I never driven a car before? What, in Canada we only drive dog sleds on ice packs and because only 20 people live in any one city I've never seen a pedestrian cross walk or a traffic light or a stop sign before? "IF" I pass? "IF" I pass? Seriously? I tried to tell her that I drove in Las Vegas for 10 years and that I've been driving for 25 years, but the iron curtain of indifference had been lowered between us and she simply smiled and pointed to the little room in the back where all the 16 year olds in their Miley Cyrus haircuts and Laker hats on sideways were taking their tests. I hung my head and slowly made my way to the "room of shame".
I decided to take a study book home and take the test a few days later. First, because I needed to let my fury subside, and second, I had a sneaking suspicion that I might not actually pass a written test.
And so, today, I showed up bright and early to take my written test (before all the children came and clogged the system). The first thing the lady asked when I handed her my form was "has your license been suspended? Is this a renewal test for a revoked license?" I guess I deserved it. I am 44 standing in line with 16 year olds to take a written test. I'd probably assume the 44 year old got hammered and drove over a fire hydrant and somebody's back yard on the way home from the game at his buddy's house too. I smiled. "No, I've been away for a while." Ha! Let her think I just got out of prison. That'll scare her for a while. Then again, maybe not. She had more tattoos than I have (which is none fyi).
Stupid questions on the test. Stupid questions on the test. They wanted to know about rules for bicycle drivers. I am not here to answer questions about bicycle drivers. They wanted to know what to do in case of a snow storm. In Vegas? Seriously?
10 minutes later I was done. Passed. Victory. In the words of 49er coach Jim Harbaugh after Sunday's win over the Packers "You played like a champion out there today. That was some eye of the tiger stuff today." Yes it was coach, yes it was. I was a champion today at the DMV.
Next I will tell you about my driving test. But that is a blog for another day.
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