Light at the end of the tunnel

We are nearing the end of this journey.

Exactly one year and one day after I came to Vegas without my family, we received word from the National Visa Center that the last file had been officially approved and we could expect to hear in the near future about when our interview would be.

This has been a long journey, longer than we imagined.

It isn't over yet; we still have to wait for our interview date, fly to Montreal for the actual interview, get medicals done for Jo and the kids, and then actually drive down to Vegas; but we can see the light now.

In some respects this past year has gone by quicker than any year of my life.  Moving back to Vegas, becoming a pastor at a church I love, getting reacquainted with old friend, making new friends, learning to live without my family, all these things and many more have made the year fly by.

In other respects this year has been the longest of my life.  It is painful to say this, but I've been on my own for so long now that it is beginning to feel normal.  That fact, in and of itself, tells me how long this year has been.  The constant uncertainty of the visa journey has made the year feel overly long. With every small victory we thought the separation was over, only to have it extended.  When those defeats happened, the sadness of knowing we were going to be separated even longer made those next weeks seem like forever.

But now, finally, we can start thinking about the future again.  We can begin to dream about buying a house again, about making it a home, about living in it as a family again.  We can see our kids back on their educational and vocational journeys, no longer feeling as if they can't really enroll in college classes, or take on a new job, or date or make close friends because all along they've known their lives in Canada were only temporary.  

I feel like I'm reading the final chapter in a book.  I'm excited to see how it ends, but I have to be patient and finish reading each page.  These last pages have things to teach us.  These last days and weeks apart can still teach us things too.

And so I know, that even in these final weeks apart, there are still things for me to learn, still areas that I can grow in.  This year has taught me a lot about the husband and father and leader God wants me to be.  I need to be careful to still hear Him in these final weeks.  

Don't rush.

Even though I want to, even though I want to just skip to the end and read the last words and get my family down here, I have to wait.  Now that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am impatient to escape the tunnel and live in the light, but I have to wait.  It is coming, but it isn't here yet.

You see, this year has taught me a lot about patience and now, so close to the end, is when I need to exercise it the most.  

   

So Near and Yet So Far

The Visa Center told me last week that Jo and Kyle and Braden are finished with the process and ready for the interview phase (the final phase) of this never ending Visa journey.  However, they also told me they didn't have the paperwork for my daughter Skye.

I told them I had a confirmation email and confirmation number from them confirming they, in fact, did have the paperwork.  They have had it since May.

They looked up the number I gave them.  I was right.  They were wrong.  Again.

They said they would "expedite" Skye's file so that our family could get in line for the interview, since they send the whole family for the interview at the same time and once again, their mistake was holding us up.

That was one week ago.

I have called every day.

Still nothing.

What does "expedite" mean anyway?

Just curious.

Now that we are this close, it is hard to still feel like it is still so far away.  

Even though we have waited a year, this last month or two will feel longer.

Then and Now

This journey is teaching me something about myself.  Every great journey does.
I am continuing to learn about the man I am and the man I am becoming.

Last week I was down at the Forum Shops in Caesars Palace.  I was all alone in the middle of thousands of people in the middle of a city built on pleasure and indulgence, on the motto that "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."  This is a city where people come for a week or a weekend to get away from their normal lives, to live out their fantasies, to do all the things they can't do on a daily or weekly basis in their normal lives, and then to leave it all behind and go back to their normal lives.

As I watched the people walking by me, it occurred to me that in my present situation, it would be very easy for me to "get away" with just about anything I wanted.  For a moment that scared me, and then it passed because this year apart from my wife and children has taught me a few things about myself.

The journey is teaching me and I am listening.

In my past life I would have indulged.  In fact, I know I would not have survived a place like Vegas in my teens and early 20s.  (I almost didn't survive it the first time in my 30s - but that is another story).  I would have gone searching for every experience until I found it.  I would have left no dark corner undisturbed.

But that is no longer the man that I am.
Some of what I have learned simply comes with age and experience.
Some of what I have learned comes from the community I find myself part of these days as well as the community I have experienced over the past several years.
But most of what I have learned comes from the fact that I am continuing to seek out a deeper knowledge of God.

And so, these are a few of the things I am continuing to learn about the man I am.

A very special woman has placed her heart in my care.  She has given me something that is worth more than all the money in the world: her love.  She trusted me above everyone else to be the one to love her and take care of her.  She trusted me with herself.  And although I have not always been as careful with it as I should have been, this year apart has made me remember in every detail how special, awesome, fragile and worth protecting, true love is. If it is possible, I have fallen in love with her all over again.

Together, my wife and I created three very amazing children.  They are all in their late teens and early twenties now, and although they might not admit it, I feel that they still look to me in some way, to see how I handle difficulty, uncertainty, disappointment, and separation.  The men and women they will become will be modeled, in some part, on how I treat them as a father, and the example I show them regarding how to love their spouse and how to have a genuine relationship with God.  In the past I have not always modeled this well, but this year apart has made me remember how important it is that I am someone who they can be proud of and look up to; someone they can come to when things are difficult, someone who they can celebrate with when things are going well, and most importantly someone who they know without a doubt loves them and supports them no matter what.

I am still learning to be comfortable in my own skin.  I hear stories about people who have known since elementary school what they wanted to do with their lives, who knew from day one what they were good at and pursued it with single-minded determination.  If that is you, you are lucky.  It has not been my experience.  I have found joy and excitement in so many different things and I have also experienced profound disappointment in those very same things.  I have always struggled between the academic and the artistic and it has only been recently that I have begun to find a level of comfort embracing both and dividing my time between both pursuits.  I also have come to realize that without either one in my life I would be incomplete.

And so I smiled to myself, got up, walked back out onto the Strip, finished walking to where I had parked, and drove home to finish preparing my message for that weekend's services. Then I got on Skype with my wife and kids and reminded them how much I loved them and was reminded how much they loved me.  Later I took time to relax while I finish working on a song I am writing, and finally I went to the gym and ended the day with a good workout.  25 years ago I would have considered that to be the most boring evening in the history of mankind.  Today, I am thankful for the opportunity.